One thing I’ve noticed about erotic romances is that characters tend to engage in sex whenever the mood strikes them. Oh, they may procrastinate or resist for the sake of building sexual tension, but one factor that never seems to factor in is the time of day.
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I have in my mind this concept that most of the world primarily engages in sex at night. Oh sure, you meet someone new. It’s hot and heavy in the beginning, and you’re screwing like bunnies round the clock, but then you get married and the kids come, and you wonder how you found time or energy to produce the little buggers in the first place. Am I right?
So when you find time to rub body parts, it tends to be late at night after the dinner dishes have been done, homework has been checked, lunches have been packed, the dog has been fed, email has been answered, and the kids are in bed and hopefully asleep.
I’d once read something to the effect that if you put a quarter in a jar every time you had sex the first year of your marriage, and took a quarter out of the jar every time you had sex after the first year, it would take like 3 to 5 years to empty the jar, and that just won’t do – you might want to spice things up a bit in the bedroom with products from something sexy planet or somewhere similar.
To you help you get those quarters of out of your jar, I’ve prepared an analysis of the best times to have sex:
Pros: Makes use of readily available morning wood. Partners may be fresh and perky.
Cons: Morning breath. Interlude could be rushed. One or both partners could be groggy (Possible evening conversation: “Hey, did we do something this morning?”)
Best use: Quickies, BJs.
Pros: Feels naughty. Both partners wide-awake and fully alert. Secret smile afterwards makes your boss think you’re a naturally cheerful person with a good attitude, which leads to a nice raise at the end of the year.
Cons: Late getting back to work, resulting in job loss, foreclosure on the house, homelessness.
Best use: Clandestine trysts
Special note: If you live in a rainy, overcast place like Seattle, it is actually possible to have a nooner in the dark.
Pros: Not rushed, have time to engage your partner
Cons: Fatigue makes one or both partners less likely to engage. Could become distracted and laugh at television, causing partner to think you’re laughing at him, resulting in deflation and sulking.
Best use: Maintenance sex. The sex you have to keep parts oiled and moving.
Weekly Saturday sex
Pros: Time to engage your partner (unless you have a soccer game). Anticipation throughout the week
Cons: Only once week? (You’ll never empty the jar). And if you get in a fight on Saturday, you’re screwed for another week (and not in a good way).
Best use: Maintenance sex or trying new things. Make it a date night.
This should make it clear when you should be having sex. You don’t need to thank me. Just send a me quarter.